There are geese returning to wherever they spend the summer months in quantities that I can’t describe in words or even photograph properly (the above is only a fraction of what I saw). Spring is in the air (occasionally; temperatures flit from sundress weather to parka weather from day to day) and with spring comes regeneration, new life.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about where I was at this time last year, and for someone with a steel trap of a memory I’m having a hard time coming up with the details. What I do remember is feeling stuck and directionless, looking for someone to pull me out of my pit, looking for a golden opportunity that simply wasn’t coming.
Looking back, I don’t recognize that person. She looks the same and laughs the same (though maybe less then than she does now), but that’s about it. I can’t put my finger on where she started to change, but if I had to guess, I would say that she needed to be alone – very alone – to get what she wanted and to get to where I am now.
But it’s more than just getting what I wanted. Where she was soft, I am firm. Where she needed closeness, I need space. Where she cried and pleaded, I speak my words calmly and matter-of-fact. Where she was desperate to hang on, I let go easily. Where she was quickly discouraged, I am tenacious and determined. Where she was so affected by others’ words and actions, I am confident and self assured.
Where she was passionate, I am passionate still.
When I arrived in Ontario last July, I felt the walking definition of a complete mess. I was astounded when my mom told me, “I look at you and I see someone who has their sh*t together.”
I couldn’t buy it, because I didn’t believe it.
But now I do. I’ve got it together.
I used to say I loved myself because I wanted to love myself, and I thought if I said it, it would be true. But it wasn’t quite.
It’s true now. I’ve never felt so good in my life. This self-love is the kind of love that makes me wonder if I’ve ever really loved anyone properly before.
So it’s spring. Let this be MY new life, my regeneration, and let it grow throughout the seasons.