Follower of Sunshine

A young woman's adventures, thoughts, creativity and love.


by 4 Comments

Jasper in May

Despite my intense discomfort with nostalgia, being here, I can’t help but remember all of the incredible experiences I had while I lived in Jasper. I didn’t grow up in Jasper, but I GREW UP in Jasper. I know all of the experiences I had while I lived there are the foundation for what will be the rest of my life. It was such a crucial turning point in my life, and the place really is special to me. It’s strange, because it’s like that part of my life, everything about it stays frozen in time in my memory, even though the place and the people will change, grow, move on without me. Here are some of my favourite photos from my May-24 trip.

 

IMG_1142

IMG_1258

IMG_1252_a_b_fused

IMG_1267_a_b_fused

IMG_1269_a_b_fused

Tia

IMG_1364

IMG_1555

IMG_1433

squirrel

IMG_1591


by 1 Comment

30-Day Challenge and Morning Routines

runningI am excited.

The company I work for is holding a 30-day challenge in June. Competetive and always wanting to contribute to team efforts, I have, of course, enslisted. The challenge is 30 minutes per day of physical activity OUTDOORS. I recently started running again (and by “running” what I mean is I run until it is highly uncomfortable and then I walk for a while), the weather is getting nice, and I found the best park EVER just a few minutes from my house, so this challenge couldn’t be more perfect!

I really love how the company that I work for encourages employees to reach both their personal and professional goals, and to live healthy lifestyles. A while back I wrote a post about trying to find balance. In fact, looking back, I realized that a lot of the posts I was writing pertained to the search for balance in my life. I knew I was lacking it. It is great to feel supported in this endeavour by the people I spend the majority of my time with.

I have found that running brings an enormous amount of balance into my life. I like to do it by myself – pop my headphones in and hit the pavement, trail, whatever. It feels good both physically and mentally, and I miss it when I don’t do it. I especially notice that it is really good for my mind and my mood. I find I have a much higher clarity of thought and a much lower level of anxiety the more regularly I run. And it feels great to have some productive, feel-good alone time.

While I am super-pumped for this 30 day challenge, I have also been feeling inspired by my company’s leadership team and my colleagues to implement some form of routine into my life.  I am working on being more flexible in general, because life, as a rule, often does not go according to plan. But I like the idea of something consisent in my life to keep me grounded. There has been a lot of talk lately about morning routines, and I have decided that a solid morning routine sounds like a great alternative to my usual sleep-as-long-as-possible-shower-makeup-out-the-door.  I am thinking something simple and easy to commit to, like stretch, make breakfast and journal before I shower – but I want suggestions! What does your morning routine look like?


by 1 Comment

Freedom

Hello, old friend, I thought I’d lost you,
maybe left you somewhere far behind -
I was angry that you didn’t wake me up to say goodbye,
and I felt betrayed when I rolled out of bed one morning
alone, to find that you were gone.

So I looked in the mirror, brushed my hair,
covered those dark circles and put on my lipstick.
I smiled but my eyes didn’t crinkle,
and I walked, but as though my arms and legs were shackled -
to responsibility, real and imagined, to obligation and fear.

So you have returned (“I could never really leave,” I hear you whisper in my ear),
and you cut my shackles and give my hair a tousle
and call me a silly girl. Well let’s start over.
You can be my catalyst and take me wherever I want to go
and I won’t again forget your permanence.

So make me fast and fancy-free,
seduce my soul and lie with me under the stars,
swim with me in the cold lakes
and show me brilliant sunsets.
But more than anything, take me on many, many adventures.


by Leave a comment

Things I Have Figured Out In The Last 20 Days

So, you know all those things I have been searching for during the last eight months? Those things that bring balance to my life? Those things that seemed so flighty and elusive?

FOUND THEM!!!

It’s amazing, really, that it took me eight months to realize that I just needed a chunk of time to myself, by myself, to get my feet on the ground and get myself established here as an individual. Because, hello, I am the most independent person I have ever met. It seems like common sense. It’s so simple that I almost feel daft for not realizing it until I was forced to. But I don’t, really. Obviously I was supposed to have this experience. I am okay with the fact that it took me – an intelligent, highly self-reflexive person – eight months, a LOT of mistakes and a teacher in the form of a partner to figure that out.

The last two weeks have been the WORST, and yet they are probably the absolute BEST thing that could have happened to me. I can’t even begin to describe the emotional pain I felt, even to myself. But somehow out of all of the hurt, I found myself. Completely whole. Yes, there was a sense of discomfort and general feeling of wrongness with regard to the person I was missing no longer being a part of my life. But I was okay. I have everything I need.

I AM everything I need.

I see new opportunities, new adventures, new ways to apply myself. I see now that these opportunities and adventures and ways of applying myself were always there. I just needed some time and space to realize them. I am excited for the summer. I am excited for what comes next.

I think I have been searching for the person I was a year ago. Two years ago, even. But I don’t want to be her anymore. I am a better version of that person. I know WAY more than she ever did.

Someone recently asked me, “Who are you, Cynthia?”

I told him that I am me. That I won’t stay the same – no one ever does.

I will keep growing. I will keep changing. I am moving forward.


by 4 Comments

What Happens When You Go For Coffee With A Boy You Haven’t Seen In Ten Years

The first thing that happens is you go inside and buy yourself a tea and pray that your hands stop shaking. WHY are your hands shaking? That doesn’t even make sense.

You glance furtively around the room while you stand in line, fumbling for change so you don’t make a fool of yourself at the cash register. You realize you are looking for a fourteen-year-old and check yourself, because, hello, time didn’t stand still while you grew up. Still, you don’t see anyone who resembles him at all.

You pay for your tea and wait for your order. You text him.

“You here?” Real eloquent.

“Yeah.” You look around again. You’re pretty sure he’s not here.

“Where?” You smile a little to hide your embarrassment.

“I’m in my car. Where are you?”

“I’m inside!” Duh.

You grab your tea and go stand outside, looking around, still trembling a little (WHY?). You see a lot of strangers.

The summer before high school you cut your hair. It used to hang almost to your waist, but now it was above your shoulders. The day you registered for high school he noticed you walking down the hall. With your dad.

“Hey, you!” he called out. You smiled and replied, happy to see a familiar, friendly face. Then you darted away before he could say anything questionable with your father in earshot.

You see a tall, thin male in a blue shirt with a white ball-cap pulled down over his eyes walking in your general direction. You instantly know that’s him. GOD, he was always so TALL. You briefly think about that time you slow danced with him at your grade 8 graduation dance, your arms stretching way up to his shoulders. You then briefly think about how he said your blue eyeshadow (experimental makeup phase) made you look like Mimi from SNL, and also about how he made fun of your flowered gym bag the first week of high school. You briefly question whether or not this was a good idea. You grin and laugh out loud, because this is actually pretty ridiculous. When you were imagining potential things you might do in your life, this did not cross your mind. Ever.

He looks up from under the peak of his hat, his face serious, and catches you mid-grin. He averts his eyes and tries to play it cool (you remember this about him now, and also that he has a little brother named Jay) but you catch him smile and he mutters “Hey, how’s it going?” His voice is deeper.

You grab the only available table and wait while he orders. You pretend to be engrossed in something on your phone, but really you are observing out of the corner of your eye. He let his hair get long and it’s blonde and it looks good. He has blonde stubble, and it looks good, too.

This man-boy sits down across from you and strikes up a conversation but doesn’t immediately meet your eyes. He’s just slightly, unconsciously defensive and oh man, it’s all coming back to you now, but you stop remembering. You catch his eye, ask a direct question, and start getting to know him as an adult, as a person, as someone you don’t really know.

The conversation ebbs and flows, and you feel nervous when it gets quiet, but you resist the urge to fill any silence. You get comfortable with the quiet parts.

You disagree on a lot of things. You are, in fact, VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. But that just makes you laugh. It keeps it interesting. You realize how comfortable you are in your own skin, suddenly, and how easy it is to acknowledge your differences and keep going. Wow, you are getting some perspective here.

He gets really excited while you are talking. His eyes light right up and you know you have made a legitimate connection. It’s funny how he goes from playing it cool to admitting something hilarious and embarrassing, back to playing it cool. He is funny and sarcastic and opinionated and rarely smiles, and you were expecting that.

By the end of the night you are both talking a mile a minute, and hitting the table with your hands to make your points. There is a lot of exclaiming. There are a lot of “I KNOW, RIGHT?”-s.

You decide to call it a night and you walk back to your cars together. You squeeze in that last bit of conversation and tell him it was good to see him. He says it was good to see you too, and his voice is the kindest it has been all night.

You get in your car and realize that you did not once reminisce about “old times.” Thank god. You hate that stuff. It makes you uncomfortable.

You drive home, somehow exhilarated, feeling much more alive. Feeling GOOD.


by 1 Comment

Some Things Stay The Same

Molly and I were roommates in university. Molly was seriously the coolest. She was kind and outgoing and loved to have fun. She listened to classic rock and was obsessed with Sex and the City and Say Anything. One night everyone in the house watched some horrible movie based on a Nicholas Sparks novel. It was supposed to be sad, but had a horrible ending. Upon seeing this, Molly announced she was going to make us watch The Bridges of Madison County, because THAT movie would make us cry (it did).

Molly and I were pretty tight between the ages of 18-20. We started to lose touch after that, but would send each other messages with random life updates every once in a while.

Last night I got a message from Molly. Here is what she said:

Hey girl, I hadn’t read your blog in awhile (shameless, I know)…but I just went on a binge and caught up. And I just thought I’d let you know how much I love it! It’s so evocative and so very YOU. I’d really like to catch up and keep in touch more, so if you have time to send me a grossly long life update I’d love to read it! Plus, of course I promise one in return. Hope things are well! xoxo

I have been walking around for the last two weeks feeling strange, like I left something important at home. Like I am missing a part of my actual being. I found this message incredibly reassuring. Molly doesn’t know me as a 24-year-old. But she knows ME, and she recognizes ME through my writing. That feels good. It tells me that I am not completely lost, and that I am still whole, even if I am floundering a bit.

Circumstances and situations obviously change. People change, too. But maybe there is a little part of everyone that remains the same. Maybe that is who we are.


by 2 Comments

How I Got Here

I have been pondering the meaning of life (or something along those lines) a lot in the last week. I have been considering and re-considering and even second-guessing a lot of my actions and the decisions I have made in the last two years (though I know that is probably the most useless way to spend my time). Two years ago today I rolled into Jasper, excited, exhausted, a little shaky from drinking that latte I picked up in Lake Louise on an empty stomach.

Yesterday I was driving through town to meet a friend. I was a little lost in my thoughts and simply following the brake pattern of the car ahead of me. As I rolled over the crest of a hill and, out of habit, put my car into neutral (sorry, Don, I know you will read this, and I always remember what you told me a  second too late!), I snapped out of it and vividly heard that voice in my head ask, “How did I get here?” Not ‘here’ as in on this road, but ‘here’ as in THIS part of my life in THIS city in THIS situation.

I started thinking backwards.

I pride myself on a razor-sharp memory. I never doubt my memory. I remember things in crazy detail. But as it turns out, I can dull the memories that hurt me, the ones I don’t WANT to remember in detail. I can tell myself a slightly altered story. I can choose not to go all the way there – to skim the surface but not dig in.

The moment I came to, the tipping point, was when my previous relationship ended. I don’t remember what happened. I don’t remember whose idea it was, or if it was mutual. I don’t remember what we said. I do remember calling my mother immediately afterwards and crying. I remember crying, so I must have felt pain, but I don’t remember hurting. I do remember dressing up and going to the De’d Dog with my friends to celebrate  St. Jean Baptiste. I do remember my pyramid of pints (I have kind, generous friends). I do remember dancing my pants off to French-Canadian fiddle music. And I distinctly remember realizing that I had no ties. Nothing anchoring me to anything at all.

And I remember knowing right then and there that I wasn’t going back.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Maybe I could have done better. I definitely could have done differently, but somehow I think ‘differently’ would have been less ME. I have really become more myself, and much more accepting of myself in the last two years. I love myself, and THAT is how I got here. So from now on, when I ponder it will be simply to learn about myself, and who I want to keep becoming. What’s done is done. And I am grateful for that. I am looking forward to finding out what the summer has in store for me. And I’ll go from there.

 

 


by 4 Comments

Life Out Of Balance

Time passes in strange ways, in small
spurts that feel like hours and
days that fly by. They tell me
that time heals all wounds – you
told me that, too. I’m not convinced.
Time has made it easier to keep it together,
easier to think about something else.
Time has lifted the fog ever so
slightly. It has not changed the hurt.
It has not reduced the sadness that breaks
through thin, new skin when my mind falls
back onto it.

I am still here, somehow (a small
miracle). And I know now that
whatever I face in time, I
will be okay. I am not scared.
But I must be, a little. I want to shut
down and close off. Is that a sign
of fear? Or just a way to cope?
I want to shine my light. I want to open right up
and embrace life, and embrace people. I
have so much love to give and it’s
breaking through thin, new skin,
too.

I am open to whatever comes next. I am
learning that sometimes I have
no choice. But the choice you made for me,
the choice I didn’t have, has pushed me
forward to new choices, new challenges, new
opportunities. So I’ll resist
the desire to shut down. I’ll dig deep
and find that purest part of me. I’ll keep
going forward, despite hurt, despite
sadness, and I’ll stay wide open
hearted, wide open minded,
until I find balance again.


by 1 Comment

I know the best people.

I’ve been saying this for years now. But it’s during times like these that you find out who your friends are, and I have a lot of them. True friends. Sure, there are my go-to’s, the people I have known for years, the ones I have established solid relationships with. But there are also people coming out of the woodwork. People I didn’t think ever gave me a second thought. People I kind of assumed would disappear if this ever happened.

They are coming out of the woodwork, and they are SUPPORTIVE. They are kind. They are reminding me that I have so much more to offer than I even give myself credit for. They are reminding me that I am strong. They are reminding me that I love life, and that life is fun. They are reminding me that life is messy, and imperfect, and beautiful.

And it is beautiful. Just like all the people I know.


by 2 Comments

Identity Crisis

I am hurting. The pain is excruciating. It feels like someone is twisting and tearing my insides. No distraction keeps me from it for very long. If it is quiet on here for a while, it’s because I don’t want to spread what I am feeling.

In the last 36 hours I have learned something.

I am a person, first. I am a woman, second. I am a girlfriend, third. But I’m not, anymore. I feel worse than I have in my entire life, yet I still involuntarily laugh out loud when my friend cracks a funny joke, or when I see a great meme. I laugh out loud but then the hurt snaps me back. I remember that I am not who I thought I was, that something has been taken out of the equation, that I am not myself.

I am hurting. I am devastated. Hopefully, soon, I can start healing.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 756 other followers